Secretly lonely as fuck
I’m sitting in my car and I can’t move it’s getting so bad it’s feels like it’s killing me from the inside out
I wonder how everyone would see me if they knew how suffocated I felt every second of the day. It’s not even sadness or the perceived portrayal of suicidal thoughts but more a numbness or emptiness. I’m not giving up because I stopped trying a long time ago. With no one to talk to. This is all I have. I miss my brother too, probably the only weakness I can withhold. I am completely reluctant of admitting this to anyone but I do wish I could have it in me to stop it. Stop all of this
And it’s one of those nights that gets bad, real bad and you just wanna end it
So today I left the pool early cos I hate my body. Came home because I became super anxious. Maybe between the anxiety and self-conciousness I forgot that I come home to nothing anyway. I live in a share-house full of strangers. Had to pay my rent.. got no money now. A diet of tuna cans and tap water, nice. Fuck all this. Always trying to be happy, working 24/7, sick as a dog and looking like fucking shit. I’m so sick of trying. I’m trying for nothing, I hate all this. I just wish sometimes I could disappear until I got better, I wish I could have a break. But no, then who would feed me? wash my clothes? pay my rent? do my school work? Work fucking 13 hours 5 days a week? No one.. giving up would mean seriously be the end of my existence. Theres so many people in a worse position than me and that adds to my frustration because I should be able to hold myself together. Ehhh I hope no one on my tumblr actually knows me. I’m going to go try vomit all my food up now. Or overdose on laxatives, if not maybes panadol. I have a cold anyway so it would be applicable. I hate my life. Its like I keep fighting and fighting but all I get in return is ongoing shit. Never ending cycle of suffering and I’m running out of ways to end it. Maybe I should just end me..fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I just want to sleep. Forever. I think that’s like dying. I’m too scared to admit that’s what I actually want I guess.